Two years ago, I started to think very differently as an artist.  Now, I hope I don’t lose what I learned.

In high school, when I first started to use oil, I made colorful paintings of houses and people.  I loved learning about color. In college, I moved outside the box, using bolder colors, bigger canvases, and abstract shapes.  Through both stages, I concentrated on the paint most of all.

In my art program at PAFA two years ago, my peers and professors finally challenged the way I thought about painting.  They told me my paintings of still life and family members were awkward, photographic, and a bit boring. They asked, “What do you really want to paint?” 

After that, I felt hurt and a bit lost, and had no idea what I wanted to paint.   Eventually, I just started to play, using feelings instead of photos.  And after studying the creepy works of Francis Bacon, whose work I hated, I decided to paint the emotion I hated most: fear. 

I thought about growing up, about feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, and about feeling unsure of my future.  I searched for something with my brushes – Courage? Honestly? Both?

One night, chatting in my studio, a recent PAFA graduate said, “Your work is dark.”  I was so surprised.  Who, me? Little, cheery Katie? Dark?  

But deep down, I wanted someone to say that.  Yes, I am a bit dark, but no one sees that part. I enjoy making colorful paintings that make people smile, but the art I love more is sharp and aggressive.  I want to feel deeply. And I want to be the artist who makes others feel deeply.

The drawing below is my 2017 portrayal of fear, inspired by the mortifying “Screaming Popes” series by Francis Bacon. I look back and see this piece as a turning point in my career as an artist.  I made something that was less about the end product and more about its growth. Although I don’t plan to toss aside everything I learned about painting early on, I want to keep and not be afraid of this bravery that I found.