Two years ago, I started to think very differently as an artist. Now, I hope I don’t lose what I learned.
In high school, when I first started to use oil, I made colorful paintings of houses and people. I loved learning about color. In college, I moved outside the box, using bolder colors, bigger canvases, and abstract shapes. Through both stages, I concentrated on the paint most of all.
In my art program at PAFA two years ago, my peers and professors finally challenged the way I thought about painting. They told me my paintings of still life and family members were awkward, photographic, and a bit boring. They asked, “What do you really want to paint?”
After that, I felt hurt and a bit lost, and had no idea what I wanted to paint. Eventually, I just started to play, using feelings instead of photos. And after studying the creepy works of Francis Bacon, whose work I hated, I decided to paint the emotion I hated most: fear.
I thought about growing up, about feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, and about feeling unsure of my future. I searched for something with my brushes – Courage? Honestly? Both?
One night, chatting in my studio, a recent PAFA graduate said, “Your work is dark.” I was so surprised. Who, me? Little, cheery Katie? Dark?
But deep down, I wanted someone to say that. Yes, I am a bit dark, but no one sees that part. I enjoy making colorful paintings that make people smile, but the art I love more is sharp and aggressive. I want to feel deeply. And I want to be the artist who makes others feel deeply.
The drawing below is my 2017 portrayal of fear, inspired by the mortifying “Screaming Popes” series by Francis Bacon. I look back and see this piece as a turning point in my career as an artist. I made something that was less about the end product and more about its growth. Although I don’t plan to toss aside everything I learned about painting early on, I want to keep and not be afraid of this bravery that I found.
